65 Funny Non-Swearing Insults And Sarcastic Quotes

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The best comeback is not through violence, it is to outsmart your opponent by insulting them intelligently with none swearing replies, also known as a punchline. Punching or physically assaulting someone is a crime, you will end up in prison with a bad record, however, insulting without using any curse word is not a crime.

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Without further ado, here are 55 insulting quotes for fake friends, ex bf, ex gf, enemies and haters, share it on your Facebook or Tweeter as an indirect message.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.

It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.

I’m actually not funny. I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.

If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.

I’m busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

I was wondering how you comb your hair so the horns don’t show.

I love rumors. I always find out amazing things about myself I never knew.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

If you don’t like me, take a map, get a car, drive to hell. Have a nice trip.

Oh, my bad. I’m sorry for bothering you. I forgot I only exist when you need me for something.

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had the authority to judge me. Who are you? God?

Ignore me, I don’t care I’m used to it anyways, I’m invisible.

I love that super cute thing you do where you don’t text me back for hours, adorable.

I’m sorry if you don’t like my honesty, but to be fair, I don’t like your lies.

I’m sorry you were offended when I called you a hoe. I didn’t know it was a secret.

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If lying was a job, I know some people who would be billionaires.

I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Oh I didn’t realize you’re an expert in my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

I am just so talented. I can listen to music and ignore you at the same time.

Excuse me miss, you’ve got a bit of face on your make up.

Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

Is your ass jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?

The last thing I want to do is hurt you… But it’s still on the list.

You must have been born on a highway because that’s where most accidents happen.

If common sense is common why are you without it?

Zombies eat brains, don’t worry, you’re safe.

Keep rolling your eyes, maybe you’ll find a brain back there.

You sound better with your mouth closed.

I’d slap you but that would be animal abuse.

Without stupid people like you, they would have no one to laugh at. Thank you for your contribution to society.

Bitch, I’d kick you in the V, but I’m afraid I’d lose my shoe.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from durex.

I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as your own genetics.

Somewhere out there is a tree working hard to replace the oxygen you wasted, now go apologize to it.

You are like the first piece of bread, everybody touches you but no one wants you.

You should eat some make up, at least you’ll be pretty on the inside.

When your parents dropped you off at pre school, they were arrested for littering.

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and you, I would shoot you twice.

You have a face only a mother could love. I bet she tells you you’re special too.

Your mom should’ve swallowed.

Stupidity is not a crime, if it is, you’ll end up in jail.

I can remove 90% of your beauty with a wet tissue.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes, use birth control.

You look like something I’d draw with my left hand.

You’re so ugly, when you were born your mom said “What a treasure” and your dad said “Lets go bury it!”

Your life is useless, just like your dad’s condom.

Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma.

The best part about me, is I’m not you.

I don’t hate you but I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Don’t blame a clown for acting like a clown, blame yourself for going to the circus.

Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot I only exist when you need something.

Listen, I’m a nice person. So if I’m an asshole to you, you need to ask yourself why.

Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.

I would like to confirm that I do not care.

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.

I’m sorry that my forced apology sounded insincere, I’ll try to make it more convincing next time.

I’m sorry for what I said when I wanted you to disappear.

I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you think I give a shit about your feelings.

I’m sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think I should apologize but I won’t because I know I didn’t do anything wrong.

75 Comments

Fahima Osman [ Reply ]
Mwah
We are family!!! [ Reply ]
Your moms so fat when she goes to the ocean the whale says. ” we are family”
- DEADSHOT [ Reply ]
  At least she gave birth to someone important. By that I mean me!
  - Sassy [ Reply ]
    Lol ?
- IMMAROASTER [ Reply ]
  THAT JOKE IS SOOOO OLD
  :|
  - Ciara Jules [ Reply ]
    Wow no wonder when u were born the doctor threw you out of the window and the window threw you back
- Cameron Evans [ Reply ]
  Lemme drop some TRUE fire. Yo momma so FAT, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.?
  - kathryn [ Reply ]
    your so ugly you scare the crap out of the toilet
    - dolapo [ Reply ]
      If u check the dictionary for the word ugly you will see your picture in their
  - jody hedley [ Reply ]
    yo momma so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
- lauren [ Reply ]
  Lol
  - BadassGamer [ Reply ]
    People who go out and meet you stops to buy aspirin on the way home.
    - Jimmy [ Reply ]
      I might be fat, but your ugly and I can diet.
- Zahira Brown [ Reply ]
  Roses are red,
  Violets are blue,
  Who said that I gave a damn about you?
  (I’m coming for you Tatianna)
- kathryn [ Reply ]
  my phone battery last longer than your relationships
  - lizardbrain1 [ Reply ]
    Lol my phone battery doesn’t last at all!
    It’s plugged in right now.
  - David holland [ Reply ]
    That’s because you’re still rocking in the Nokia 3310
    - Chhaya [ Reply ]
      ?
- [; [ Reply ]
  To mama’s so fat that when she went into space, there was no space!
  - Ki [ Reply ]
    Here is one, you mama so ugly when god said let there be light he squealed and turned it dark.
- Qais [ Reply ]
  Fantastic
- Diana [ Reply ]
  Is very nice and useful
Bezerker [ Reply ]
Picking on mothers is just a weak confrontation of someones ignorance. You must be a fart that escaped from some hobos ass with the soul purpose of staining the internet with your stupidity
- Ngan Tengyuen [ Reply ]
  I am sorry for your lack of humor.
  - Ace [ Reply ]
    Oof. Way to show your lack of maturity. Does baby need a blankie?
    - kathryn [ Reply ]
      i thought of u today it reminded me to take out the trash
    - kathryn [ Reply ]
      you got a face that can turn fresh milk sour
      - Mrs. Darlene
        Hahahaha love it
  - Kerry woolsey [ Reply ]
    Yo mama so fat,she put mayonnaise on her advil
- crap [ Reply ]
  And picking on hobo’s is just a weak confrontation of society
  - Germaine Smidt [ Reply ]
    What is this???? my gosh some of these I already say on my own
- Riya Chandler Bing [ Reply ]
  That’s so true I feel the same way
- Clyde b. [ Reply ]
  Savage bro.
  - ⛓Watchtower⛓ [ Reply ]
    LMFAO ??????????
Kimbali [ Reply ]
You So Funny?
Keep It Up
Lol [ Reply ]
I know the best insult that you can’t come back from, it will DEVASTATE you! Just say stop being a taaha
IMMAROASTER [ Reply ]
I use this one to roast my brother every day:
If there was a zombie apocalypse, they eat brains, but they would eat you, just so they don’t have to look at your face.
fenny Jones [ Reply ]
haha haha this is crazy???????????
Amiah [ Reply ]
If condoms are to prevent mistakes , how the hell are you here ?
- Sud jurbrie [ Reply ]
  haha this kill
KEYSFULLOFBUMPS [ Reply ]
This helped me roast my annoying friends in my class
Sud Jurbrie [ Reply ]
I’m so lucky God did not make me you
Abigail [ Reply ]
The quote
“I may be drunk, but tomorrow I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly” is by Winston Churchill.
Unknown Person [ Reply ]
When your teacher says, “Pull up your pants!”, and you say “Pull up my grade man”. lmao
katie [ Reply ]
you must have been born on a highway thats where most acsdents happen
love [ Reply ]
Nice really funny??????????
Ghost [ Reply ]
I think someone needs a pat on the head probably with a sledge hammer and so an hug around the neck with a rope
jordan [ Reply ]
bahh this shit is hella funny
Marcos [ Reply ]
Hoes are just mistakes that their parents make with out the condom
a guy [ Reply ]
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
a face like that belongs in a zoo
don’t worry i will be there too
not in a cage
but laughing at you
- keira [ Reply ]
  id like to meet the rest of your
  family take me to them at the zoo
- nugget [ Reply ]
  everybody knows that one…. no offence
Indiana [ Reply ]
If someone calls you ugly just say “I’m not a mirror…”
- ojana [ Reply ]
  and they will say “that’s the point”
Savage [ Reply ]
Your ex: I miss you, please give me a second chance
Your reply: Can you give my ears a second chance and stop talking?
keira [ Reply ]
your the reason god created the middle finger
- Steve [ Reply ]
  I like 👍
kathryn [ Reply ]
every time u look in the mirror ur reflection runs away
keira [ Reply ]
when ever i look at you i think of taking out the trash
kk [ Reply ]
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
lizardbrain1 [ Reply ]
Lol you guys are rlly mean ??
Amelia [ Reply ]
Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
martha chambers [ Reply ]
I’ve got a better idea. Respond with love. Love is stronger than hate. Kindness is stronger than meanness. Want to do a scientific experiment? Try responding consistently with kindness to meanness and see what happens. If the relationship has been sour for a long time, it will take longer to melt that person’s heart. It is very hard for someone to reject love because that’s what we are made for.
- aiden [ Reply ]
  stfu
- bruh [ Reply ]
  no one wants your damn love XD
- Misty [ Reply ]
  I’m so curious….if you’re whole motive is to SPREAD LOVE, not sarcasm….why the hell do you even click on articles like this? Just so you can leave a comment? Do you argue with everyone in your life or just hide behind a screen and tell people on the internet how to live their life? Just wondering
- EV McEvil [ Reply ]
  Here’s some love for you! You’re so dumb they could put your brain on the edge of a razor blade and it would look like a pea rolling down a 4 lane highway!
Jayikel [ Reply ]
You think you got bars? The only bars you got is chocolate
Lord [ Reply ]
Roses are red violets are blue..i have five fingers middle one 4 u
Ava [ Reply ]
Roses are red, violet’s are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one’s for you! Lolll
Doopar [ Reply ]
Your so ugly you make onions cry
- Lynn Carol Owen [ Reply ]
  You’re…..not your
  - Steve [ Reply ]
    She’s right. Good pickup 👍
- Amina [ Reply ]
  See another insult if you don’t want a sarcastic answer don’t ask a stupid question
Amina [ Reply ]
If you don’t like me take a map get a car drive to hell have a nice trip

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